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Are you joking?
No, of course not! Look, I've taken some art classes and I've read a few drawing books, but I'm not that good. I'm not a five-year-old with a crayon, but I'm not Michaelangelo either. I will draw you a portrait as best I can. Just be prepared for something that is, to put it succinctly, rather poorly drawn.
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Why do you draw so poorly?
Faces are really hard to draw! Noses are tough. It's hard to get the eyes looking right, and the lips are a nightmare, too. So why did I build a website selling my services as a portrait artist? I believe there's some charm in imperfection. That is the belief upon which I predicate my art, and it's also what I'm hoping keeps my wife from leaving me. Take a look at my admittedly small but slowly growing
gallery to get a sense of where I'm at as an artist.
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Why are you doing this?
I may not be a gifted artist; I may in fact be far from it (as all evidence would seem to indicate), but I still derive immense pleasure from making art. I think some people might like me to draw their portrait, albeit poorly. Plus, each order earns you my immense gratitude. (Warning: Gratitude has no resale value. The portraits probably don't either.)
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What kind of paper do you use?
I'm glad you asked! Sustainability and the environment are very important to me. So you get to
choose between two kinds of environmentally friendly papers:
- 100% hemp paper
Trees are so last century! Join the hempolution! (Which, even though they sort-of rhyme, is like the opposite of "pollution".) Yes, hemp is where it's at, and you'll love how this eco-friendly paper looks wherever you plan to display your poorly drawn portrait: on your wall, on your fridge, or at the bottom of your birdcage. You can sleep well at night, knowing no trees were harmed in the creation of your portrait. It's also acid-free! (Thanks Greenfield Paper!) This hemp paper, in case you were wondering, is medium weight (180 grams per square metre), so it's not quite cardstock, but it's fairly rigid.
- 100% recycled paper that you can plant!
Now this is pretty cool! Not only do you get a much bigger portrait (13"x19") on recycled paper, but you get it in on funky Grow-A-Note paper, which has wildflower seeds embedded right in the paper. When you are through enjoying your poorly drawn portrait, you can bury it in dirt and watch flowers grow from what used to be your face! It's the gift that literally keeps on giving. I wish everyone could pick this option, but these sheets aren't cheap. I'll understand if you have to go for one of the less expensive 8.5"x11" options. They're eco-friendly, too, but you can't plant 'em. (At least, they won't grow flowers if you do - and no, the hemp paper won't grow hemp if you plant it. Nice try.)
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How much does it cost?
About 18 dollars for a regular portrait (8.5" x 11"), and $29 if you want the big portrait (13" x 19") on the fancy paper that turns into flowers when you put it in dirt; plus some dough for shipping. It costs more if you want me to draw two people on the same portrait. Why not just check the
Order a Portrait page and see for yourself?
The real question is: "Is it worth it?" Unfortunately, there's only one way to find out.
The good news is that you can pay through PayPal; (you don't need a PayPal account, you just need a credit card). So you don't have to trust me with your billing information – you can trust a huge corporation that specializes in facilitating online payments! When have huge corporations ever let us down?
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What kind of photo do you need?
Anything really. It can even be a photo of your cat, if you want me to draw that. I won't be filling in the background scenes, so try to pick a photo that shows the subject clearly. It helps me greatly if you upload a higher-resolution photo, but try to keep it under a few megabytes in size. If the photo you send me is low-rez and the subject is barely visible, as your humble artist, I will of course draw it as I was commissioned to do, but you must in turn expect that the resulting portrait may be even more poorly drawn than usual.
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Can I order more than one portrait from a single photo?
My goodness, yes! In fact, I encourage you to do so. You'll have to pay for each one separately, but you'll get the rare opportunity to compare the portraits against one another and bask in the subtle and not-so-subtle differences that invariably occur when I attempt to draw multiple portraits from the same source. Separate photos require separate orders, though, for simplicity's sake. If you are rich and/or eccentric, why not spend your money converting your whole photo album to poorly drawn portraits? Unique!
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Can I buy a gift certificate for your portrait store?
But of course! Can't decide what to get that special, (or, more likely, not so special) someone? Well today is your lucky day! Let
them choose the photo they think they look best in. They won't know that it doesn't matter how good the original photo is until it's too late, and they are the unwitting owners of a poorly drawn portrait of their very own! It will be a cherished tangible reminder of that time someone bought them a gift certificate over the Internet. Give them the greatest gift of all: the gift of portraiture by a semi-amateur portrait artist! On the
order page, find the gift certificate option, pick the value of the certificate, and add it to the cart. You want to give someone a thousand dollars to spend here? Who am I to judge? Note: If you would like a physical gift certificate actually snail-mailed to you, be sure to include an extra $0.99 for postage, handling, and printer ink.
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How do I know these portraits are REALLY PoorlyDrawn™?
You will, naturally, receive a poorly drawn certificate of authenticity.
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Do you take special requests?
Yes I do! You can make those requests during the final step of the cumbersome and possibly unnecessary
two-step ordering process, or you can ask me about it first using my
contact form. If it's a family portrait, or something weird, you'll have to
ask me about it first so I can give you a special price quote.
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What do you draw poorly with?
Unless you have a strong preference, I'll choose what I feel is right for the material. (It will probably be either pen or pencil. Don't get your hopes up for watercolor.) I tend to draw with a pencil or other artistic implement on the big wildflower paper, due to its seed-like bumps which can impede pen-lines.
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Where do you ship to?
Anywhere in the world, baby! As long as you have a mailing address, I will mail your portrait to you.
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What condition will the portrait be in when it arrives at my door?
It may be helpful to bear in mind that since your portrait will be quite poorly drawn anyway, the look and condition of the paper itself will be the least of your concerns.
The hemp paper is kind of light beige, and will (probably) be sent to you in a 9" x 12" EnviroTech catalog envelope (made of 100% recycled material!). There's no cardboard in there with the portrait, so it's conceivable that your portrait might get bent somewhere in the mail. This will merely add character to your portrait, perhaps doubling its resale value.
As for the wildflower paper, I can't guarantee the color of the paper, and the seeds are kind of visible in the paper, so bear that in mind when you make your choice. If you feel strongly about a particular color, you can specify your preference at the same time you upload your photo, and I will do my best to accommodate you. It will probably go into a 13"x19" bubble wrap mailing envelope, to protect its negligible integrity. (This is why the shipping options for this size of portrait are a bit more expensive...)
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Do you have a return/refund policy?
If there is some major problem,
let me know about it and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out. I'm a reasonable person, and I don't like it when people are mad at me.
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Do you draw couples?
You can order two portraits on the same sheet of paper, but it's a little more money than just one-person/one-sheet. If you want three people, or four, or a family of eight or something,
email me and we can work it out. You can upload one photo of both people, or two separate photos that you want combined... you get the idea.
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Does a poorly drawn portrait make the perfect gift?
Why yes, it does!
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What is the "Poorly Drawn Paradox"?
It is a term I invented, and the paradox is this: In theory, the more portraits I do, the better I will get at drawing them.
∴ The success of this site will ultimately destroy it. Q.E.D.
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What's all this environmental jazz about?
The paper I use for my portraits are either 100% recycled, or made entirely from hemp. The envelopes I use (from EnviroTech) are also 100% recycled (with 40% post-consumer waste). I am personally committed to creating a sustainable environment at home and in my community, and I believe that vision should extend to the online world as well. In addition to making this site
carbon neutral, I also contribute at least 1% of my net profits to non-profit groups who support environmental initiatives and services.
Contact me if you would like to know more.
