Step 1: Paper selection and Payment

Uploading your photo comes at step 2 - the page to which you will be redirected after you have PayPal'd.

Gambler's Folly!
$0.00

Hello, brave and hopefully generous soul! I applaud your risk tolerance, and look forward to evaluating your judgment of artistic worth. This is the option where you pay whatever you think your poorly drawn portrait is worth (plus shipping). That's right – no price is too low, and (more importantly, I think) no price is too high! Just be prepared to receive a portrait commensurate with your payment. (Unless I have a lot of spare time on my hands the day you place the order.) With this option, there are no guarantees of quality (like there ever was). So enter any amount into the "price" box, and add it to your cart. Best of luck, and may you accidentally type an extra zero! (Before the decimal.)

Please click "More Info" below for important information about this whimsical portrait option.

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You may submit individual photos for me to combine into a mish-mash of floating heads, or you can submit one photo of a single person or group together... Really, with this option, submit whatever you want, and I'll draw it as well as I think you've paid me to, and on the paper I think your payment/photo(s) demand. (If you have a strong paper/size preference, you can specify that on the next page, when you upload the photos.) As I've just mentioned, you submit the photos in step 2, after you've paid for the portrait on this page.
Your portrait on hemp paper (8 x 11in.)
$19.99

You will receive your portrait on paper made from 100% hemp pulp! Let the trees live! Please click "More Info" below for important information about this option.

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Trees are so last century! Join the hempolution! (Which, even though they sort-of rhyme, is like the opposite of "pollution".) Yes, hemp is where it's at, and you'll love how this eco-friendly paper looks wherever you plan to display your poorly drawn portrait: on your wall, on your fridge, or at the bottom of your birdcage. You can sleep well at night, knowing no trees were harmed in the creation of your portrait. It's also acid-free! (Thanks Greenfield Paper!) This hemp paper, in case you were wondering, is medium weight (180 grams per square metre), so it's not quite cardstock, but it's fairly rigid.

The other (bigger and more expensive) paper option will grow wildflowers if you plant it, but no, the hemp paper won't grow hemp if you plant it. (Nice try.)

Fun Activity: Order more than one, and spot the differences between each of the finished products! (This fun activity is not only fun for you, but coincidentally lucrative for me, personally.)
Two people portrait – hemp paper (8 x 11in.)
$29.99

Couple? Friends? Lovers? Somehow life drew you together, and I will too! On hemp paper! Please click "More Info" below for important information about this dual portrait option.

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You may send a photo with two people in it, or you can submit two separate photos for me to combine. (You submit the photos in step 2, after you've paid for the portrait on this page.)

Trees are so last century! Join the hempolution! (Which, even though they sort-of rhyme, is like the opposite of "pollution".) Yes, hemp is where it's at, and you'll love how this eco-friendly paper looks wherever you plan to display your poorly drawn portrait: on your wall, on your fridge, or at the bottom of your birdcage. You can sleep well at night, knowing no trees were harmed in the creation of your portrait. It's also acid-free! (Thanks Greenfield Paper!) This hemp paper, in case you were wondering, is medium weight (180 grams per square metre), so it's not quite cardstock, but it's fairly rigid.

The other (bigger and more expensive) paper option will grow wildflowers if you plant it, but no, the hemp paper won't grow hemp if you plant it. (Nice try.)

Fun Activity: Order more than one, and spot the differences between each of the finished products! (This fun activity is not only fun for you, but coincidentally lucrative for me, personally.)
Your portrait on recycled paper with embedded wildflower seeds (Extra big: 13 x 19in.)
$49.99

You will receive an extra-large portrait on 100% recycled paper that has been embedded with wildflower seeds. When you're sick of looking at the portrait, you can actually plant it! Please click "More Info" below for important information about this option.

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It would be suitable for framing even without the portrait I'm going to put on it. In fact, it might be less framable afterwards...

Not only do you get a much bigger portrait (13"x19") on 100% recycled paper, but you get it in on funky Grow-A-Note paper, which has wildflower seeds embedded right in the sheet! When you are through enjoying your poorly drawn portrait, you can bury it in dirt and watch flowers grow from what used to be your face! It's the gift that literally keeps on giving. Help out me (by buying this), the environment (by promoting recycling), and your wall (by mounting the portrait once it arrives), all by choosing this option!

Note: I can't guarantee the color of the paper, and the seeds are kind of visible in the paper, so bear that in mind when you make your choice. And you should also know that I'm probably going to have to fold this paper in order to send it in the mail unless you tell me in step two that you can't abide that. It may be helpful to bear in mind that since your portrait will be quite poorly drawn anyway, the condition and appearance of the paper itself will be the least of your concerns. If you feel strongly about a particular color, you can specify your preference at the same time you upload your photo, and I will do my best to accommodate you.

Fun Activity: Order more than one, and spot the differences between each of the finished products! (This fun activity is not only fun for you, but coincidentally lucrative for me, personally.)
Two people portrait – recycled paper with embedded wildflower seeds (Extra big: 13 x 19in.)
$69.99

Couple? Friends? Lovers? Somehow life drew you together, and I will too! On wildflower seed embedded, 100% recycled paper! Please click "More Info" below for important information about this dual portrait option.

Qty:

Shipping:

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You may send a photo with two people in it, or you can submit two separate photos for me to combine. (You submit the photos in step 2, after you've paid for the portrait on this page.)

It would be suitable for framing even without the portrait I'm going to put on it. In fact, it might be less framable afterwards...

Not only do you get a much bigger portrait (13"x19") on 100% recycled paper, but you get it in on funky Grow-A-Note paper, which has wildflower seeds embedded right in the sheet! When you are through enjoying your poorly drawn portrait, you can bury it in dirt and watch flowers grow from what used to be your face! It's the gift that literally keeps on giving. Help out me (by buying this), the environment (by promoting recycling), and your wall (by mounting the portrait once it arrives), all by choosing this option!

Note: I can't guarantee the color of the paper, and the seeds are kind of visible in the paper, so bear that in mind when you make your choice. And you should also know that I'm probably going to have to fold this paper in order to send it in the mail unless you tell me in step two that you can't abide that. It may be helpful to bear in mind that since your portrait will be quite poorly drawn anyway, the condition and appearance of the paper itself will be the least of your concerns. If you feel strongly about a particular color, you can specify your preference at the same time you upload your photo, and I will do my best to accommodate you.

Fun Activity: Order more than one, and spot the differences between each of the finished products! (This fun activity is not only fun for you, but coincidentally lucrative for me, personally.)
Family portrait (up to five people) – recycled paper with embedded wildflower seeds (Extra big: 13 x 19in.)
$129.99

Family. Is there anything more poorly drawn in life than that? Why not figuratively capture those imperfections in the medium of a poorly drawn portrait? Life doesn't seem so bad, when viewed through the broken lens of an ill-conceived and incompetently executed portrait. It has been asked if one can truly put a price on terrible art. The answer is yes, and not only have I done it, but it turns out to be bizarrely expensive, under the circumstances. Take comfort in the knowledge that the portrait is rendered on wildflower seed embedded, 100% recycled paper! Please click "More Info" below for important information about this family portrait option.

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You may submit individual photos of family members, for me to combine into a floating-head mash, or you can submit one photo of the whole family together. (You submit the photos in step 2, after you've paid for the portrait on this page.)

This paper is pretty cool; It would be suitable for framing even without the portrait I'm going to put on it. In fact, it might be less framable afterwards...

Not only do you get a much bigger portrait (13"x19") on 100% recycled paper, but you get it in on funky Grow-A-Note paper, which has wildflower seeds embedded right in the sheet! When you are through enjoying your poorly drawn portrait, you can bury it in dirt and watch flowers grow from what used to be your face! It's the gift that literally keeps on giving. Help out me (by buying this), the environment (by promoting recycling), and your wall (by mounting the portrait once it arrives), all by choosing this option!

Note: I can't guarantee the color of the paper, and the seeds are kind of visible in the paper, so bear that in mind when you make your choice. And you should also know that I'm probably going to have to fold this paper in order to send it in the mail unless you tell me in step two that you can't abide that. It may be helpful to bear in mind that since your portrait will be quite poorly drawn anyway, the condition and appearance of the paper itself will be the least of your concerns. If you feel strongly about a particular color, you can specify your preference at the same time you upload your photo, and I will do my best to accommodate you.

Fun Activity: Order more than one, and spot the differences between each of the finished products! (This fun activity is not only fun for you, but coincidentally lucrative for me personally.)
Give the Gift of Poortraiture

Note: Gift certificates are unavailable until I can figure out how to make them function correctly, as opposed to terribly, as they currently do.

Give them the greatest gift of all: the gift of portraiture by a semi-amateur portrait artist! Pick the value of the certificate, and add it to the cart. You want to give someone a thousand dollars to spend here? Who am I to judge? Note: If you'd like a physical gift certificate mailed to you, probably because you feel like you should give them something to unwrap, be sure to include an extra $0.99 for postage, handling, and printer ink.
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Can't decide what to get that special, (or, more likely, not so special) someone? Well today is your lucky day! Let them choose the photo they think they look best in. They won't know that it doesn't matter how good the original photo is until it's too late, and they are the unwitting owners of a poorly drawn portrait of their very own! It will be a cherished tangible reminder of that time someone bought them a gift certificate over the Internet.

Poorly Drawn Portraits

They're not terrible, but they're not that good either...

Step 1: Paper selection and Payment